On Losing People.
This thought is an exception. It is not about finding answers, ways to understand or develop. This is about just being. Because grief is something we cannot and should not shortcut.
In a way, grief is brutally beautiful. But losing people we love is not.
We can’t understand. We’re shaken and deeply devastated. It comes and goes and it changes face.
All we can think about is this empty space. We go through the same thoughts over and over, repeat moments and things we said as well as what remains unsaid. We accept and we don’t.
We think about a shared past, moments we spent together, see their face in front of us, see them everywhere around us, expect them to come around the corner or call every minute.
We think about the future we won’t have together. About the things we planned and the moments we were looking forward to. We think about the things we were uncertain about and we realize we always will be.
We are shocked and irritated. We look for reasons why, although there are none.
We think in irrational ways and about what we would have done if we’d known.
What we would have said. What we should have said. What we could have done.
We hope they knew how wonderful they were and what they meant to us. We want to bring them back, only one more time, to tell them.
We know it was to early, we could never expect it, we don’t understand. We move in a nightmare and we can’t wake up. We still don’t realize.
We want them to see us, feel how we miss them. We wonder if they can.
We feel numb. We can't be just here. We go outside. The world is moving on like nothing happened. We want to be part of it but we can’t. Or we don’t want to. We don’t know.
We need to be distracted but we can’t. We distract ourselves but don't really want to.
We want to be alone and we don’t. We don’t know what to do.
We move on autopilot. We don’t understand how to function but we can. We act and do but something else is in control.
We have two streams of thoughts running in parallel. The lost one is always in one of them. Every other moment our thoughts are reset and we can only think of our loss. Our thoughts entangle and choose their own ways.
We wonder what we will take out of this, how we will change.
We should move on. They would say we should. They would want us to be what they saw in us. But we don’t know. We don’t want to. Not yet.
We don’t want to forget and understand we won’t.
We move on. We hold on. We freeze. We cry.
We grief because we love and care.
We grief and that’s a good thing.